


Hikari

by Akiko_Natsuko



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Understanding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2020-10-26 09:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20739809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: 'I don’t think you’re necessary for winning…'Kageyama had said it before, but their fight in the gym drives the point home and in the aftermath, Hinata is lost as the doubts creep in. What if he was right? What if Hinata couldn't learn to fight on his own? Adrift, he begins to pull away, despite Yachi and the teams' attempts to pull him back, until the team's other 'light' intervenes.





	1. Chapter 1

It had been the longest night Hinata could ever remember having to endure, sleep evading his efforts, leaving him lying flat on his back and gazing unseeingly at the ceiling above him. Sure, he’d had long nights before this. Nights where he’d lain awake, unable to sleep as he thought about his dreams to play volleyball and how scarily far away, they had seemed at the time. _Although not as far as they do right now,_ he realised with a bitter twist of his lips, blinking against the renewed burning in his eyes. The worst one by far had been after his one and only match, with the failure and Kageyama’s words echoing through his head on repeat, but that had been different. It had hurt, but it had been the kind of pain that he could take and channel into strength and determination, using it to keep moving forward. To keep flying towards his goal.

This was different.

As he rolled over onto his side, his gaze adjusting to the little bit of light drifting in from the hallway, he could make out his jersey hanging over the chair. The Karasuno colours, and the number that he had worn so proudly seeming to mock him now, and all he could hear was Kageyama’s voice and the words that they had flung at each other in the gym earlier that evening. Only this time, he couldn’t just tell himself that it was just Kageyama being a jerk because they weren’t strangers anymore, or even just first years having to work together to get onto the team. They were teammates, partners… or at least he had started to think that they were. Now, he wasn’t sure that they had ever been anything at all, because Kageyama hadn’t hesitated to slam the walls down on him, refusing to listen to him or rather not hearing what he had really been trying to say.

_I don’t think you’re necessary for winning…_

He’d heard the words before. Hell, there might have been moments, brief, fleeting seconds when the doubts had broken through, and he’d wondered if he was either. However, he’d never really believed it, and he’d certainly never allowed it to stop him because he knew he could do more. He would do more. That was what he had been trying to do here, why he had wanted to keep practising, keep trying, even when a small voice in the back of his mind had whispered that he was going too far, and pushing when they were still raw from the defeat. Yet at the same time, he couldn’t wait, because he wasn’t going to learn overnight. He wasn’t going to grow, unless he practised, or at least that was what he’d thought, and why he hadn’t backed down even when their words had turned heated.

_Was I wrong?_

The doubts clawed at him now that he no longer had any distraction, and nothing to fight against. Yet even now he wanted to keep trying, to perfect that quick with…Kageyama, and learn to fight with his own strength. It wasn’t that he wanted to stand alone, he knew that he couldn’t do it all by himself, needing Kageyama to get onto the team had proven that much, and experiencing what it was like to be on a proper team had made him realise that you needed everyone. He knew that, and he didn’t want to change that.

_But…_

“I want to fight with my own strength,” he whispered aloud, the words swallowed by the silence of his room, and leaving him feeling more alone than ever. Because even now, with the sting of cuts and bruises from their tussle, and the scolding words from their seniors and later his mother when she’d seen the state of him, he didn’t think he was wrong to want that.

And yet…

He squeezed his eyes shut, determined not to let any more tears fall, sure that Yachi must have seen some before he’d all but fled from her when they’d parted ways. And yet… if he was right, why had Kageyama fought him so hard? Why hadn’t anyone spoken up in his defence when he’d explained in a small, tight voice what the fight had been about? Admittedly they hadn’t taken the setter’s side either, but there had been something in the silence and shared glances that told him that was the direction they were leaning in. He flung a trembling arm up over his eyes as he felt tears beginning to slip out despite his best efforts.

_I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now…_

*

He didn’t make it to morning practice.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t awake, because beyond a few snatched minutes here or there he hadn’t managed to sleep. He’d even considered getting up and going, and he had been halfway out of bed when he had faltered, the urge and the fight draining out of him. What was the point? He doubted that Kageyama would have changed his mind overnight, and the thought of stepping into the gym left him feeling sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to see Kageyama. He didn’t want to see anyone, to know that they knew about the argument and that even if they didn’t agree entirely with the other boy, they certainly weren’t on his side either. And so, stomach-churning he had crawled back into bed, burrowing under the covers, and wishing that it was as easy to hide from the thoughts that were rattling around his mind again.

If his mother was surprised when he stumbled down to join them for breakfast, she was kind enough not to mention it, although he felt her eyes lingering on him as he tried to choke down some food. Not that he could blame her, because he’d caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror on the way down and knew that he looked like hell, and even when Natsu chimed in trying to get him to smile, he could only manage a strained twitch of his lips.

Still, it killed any thought that he might have had about staying home because he didn’t want to face the questions that he could see in his mother’s eyes. Not that he really had any answers to them either, because he wasn’t sure what had gone wrong, or who was right or wrong anymore. He felt lost. Adrift. And it scared him and left him feeling nauseated and ill-tempered, and in the end, he’d all but fled the house after he’d nearly snapped at his little sister, trying to bury the feeling that he didn’t belong anywhere anymore.

_You’re not necessary for winning…_

_You’re not necessary…_

****

Yachi sighed as she walked towards the school that morning, her thoughts focused on the fight from the night before, and she felt her eyes beginning to sting again, and she hastily scrubbed at them with more than a hint of anger. She had no right to be crying, she wasn’t the one that was hurting over what had been said and done, and yet she sniffled as she thought back to the expression on Hinata’s face the night before. Especially, the brief glimpse of tears that she had caught as he’d turned away from her. He’d tried to put on a brave face on while they were walking home and continue the conversation as usual, but she knew that he had only done it for her sake.

_He was a partner…_

The pain and longing in his voice as he spoke of his partnership with Kageyama, or at least what he had clearly thought was a partnership if not something more, had cut her to the core. And for the first time, she’d realised that her classmate, who never seemed to be daunted by anything, was fighting against the same fears and doubts that assaulted her all the time. That the bright smile that had caught her in its light when they first met hid a lot more than she’d thought possible, and she wished that she’d realised before. Not that she thought that it would have made a difference to what had happened the night before, but she felt as though she had missed something important, and that maybe she would’ve known what to say to stop those tears from falling.

Still, he hadn’t been waiting for her at the stop like he did on mornings without practice, so she assumed that he had made it to practice. Hopefully, a night apart would have cooled their tempers, and maybe they could talk about what had happened. If not, at least they wouldn’t be alone, and she doubted that either of them would start a fight in front of the entire team, or at least she hoped they wouldn’t, not wanting to imagine how much more trouble they would be in if that happened. It had been scary enough the night before, although she hadn’t known what else to do when it became clear that neither of them was listening to her. _Please, let them fix things, _she thought, crossing her fingers as she glanced up and watched a crow flying overhead, hoping that it would hear her prayers.

*

Somehow, she doubted that was the case, as she caught a glimpse of a scowling Kageyama when she reached the school, and not sure that she would be welcomed she had avoided him. It was only when Hinata arrived after her, breathless and dashing in just as the bell rang, that she realised that things might be worse than she had imagined because it was clear that he hadn’t been to practice. There had been no time to ask him about it or the fact that he looked as though he hadn’t slept at all, and she resolved to track him down at lunch and find out what was going on, trying to ignore the ball of uncertainty and dread that seemed to have taken up residence in her chest.

_What if this was worse than I ever imagined?_

Somehow, she managed to get through the morning classes, but she was distracted, answering questions wrong and needing to be called on repeatedly when the teachers asked her questions, and the ball in her chest had practically tripled in size by the time she fled the classroom at lunchtime.

Usually, she would have checked the gym or the places where she knew he would practice with Kageyama when the gym was unavailable, but something told her that Hinata wasn’t going to be there today. He also wasn’t in his classroom, and no one seemed to know where he had disappeared to, some of them seeming to think he hadn’t even been there, which was so far from the Hinata that she’d thought she knew that she was starting to wonder if she needed to speak to one of the others about what was happening. First though she wanted to find Hinata.

She had searched all the obvious spots and was eyeing the bathrooms, not daring to go in herself but wondering if she could get someone to check for her when she was finally rewarded by a glimpse of familiar ginger. Relieved and clutching her untouched lunch, she slipped out through the side doors and headed for the steps on the far side of the main building that was rarely used at break, eyes locked on the figure huddled against the wall. Hinata hadn’t noticed her approach, his head buried against his knees and for a terrifying moment she wondered if he was crying, but then she stumbled, yelping in alarm and his head shot up, and while he was pale and tired-looking, his cheeks were dry.

“I was looking for you,” she said as she approached, stating the obvious because she had no idea what to say now that she was actually in front of him.

“Sorry…”

“It’s okay.” She hadn’t liked the emptiness in that apology, and she knew that her smile was strained as he moved to sit next to him, relieved when he made no effort to escape, noting his uneaten lunch lying by his foot. “I wanted to see if you were okay…” She trailed off. He was so clearly not okay that she felt foolish saying it, and she was beginning to regret coming out here. What if she just made things worse?

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not!” She hadn’t meant to say it, but it had slipped out in the face of his lie and a lot more vehemently than she’d intended, and from the way that Hinata had frozen it was clear that he hadn’t expected to be called out on his lie either. “I…” She started to hesitate, but there was something in the wide brown eyes that made her square her shoulders and plunge onwards. “You’re not okay Hinata. You weren’t okay last night, and you’re not okay now.” She had let him go without saying anything meaningful last night, she wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

“I…” She could see the lie building this time, but then his shoulders slumped, and he shook his head helplessly, hands fisting where they were resting on his legs. “I don’t know what to do.” Yachi didn’t know either if she was honest, still not entirely sure that she understood what had triggered the fight, let alone how they were going to patch things up. Still, it was a relief to hear him admit it aloud and she waited a minute, weighing up what she wanted to say.

“You didn’t go to practice this morning.” It wasn’t a question, but Hinata shook his head, all the same, cheeks flushed as he looked down. “Are you going to go this afternoon?” She asked carefully, not judging, but deciding that was the best way to work out how bad things really were. One missed practise could be put down to tiredness, especially as it was clear that he hadn’t slept well, but if he planned to miss another one then…

“No.”

_Things are really bad…_

Part of her had been expecting that answer, and yet it was still a shock to hear it, especially in such a blunt way. “Why not?” She pressed when it became clear that he wasn’t going to continue without encouragement. “I know things were bad last night.” _And that I might have made it worse going for help,_ she thought but didn’t say. “But…”

“A blunt weapon doesn’t need training…” Hinata muttered dully, cutting across her as he glanced towards the gym which was just visible from their current position and she swallowed at the pain she could see in his eyes. He had sounded empty before, but there was a flatness in those words that made it suddenly feel as though he was miles away from here, even though they were sat almost touching. She wanted to reach out and grasp his arm or pull him into a hug, anything to banish the feeling, but there was something untouchable about him right then that she hesitated.

“Hinata…” She began, finally giving in to the urge to reach out, just hoping that he wouldn’t shatter under her touch. It didn’t matter, because he flinched back out of reach, flashing her an apologetic look even as he shrank back against the wall. 

“Yachi…” He swallowed, glancing at the gym once more before meeting her gaze. “Will you just tell them I’m ill or something,” he mumbled. “Please…”

_No,_ she wanted to say, knowing that things needed to be mended before they got worse, but there was a waver in his voice and a sheen to his eyes that stopped her. “Okay,” she said instead, reluctance bleeding through, and she made sure to hold his gaze. “But just this one time, because…” _This can’t continue, and you can’t let it end like this. You can’t just give up. _ That was what she was afraid of she realised, especially as she replayed his words, realising that at least for now he actually believed what he’d said. He believed what Kageyama had been shouting at him in the heat of the fight, and suddenly it seemed like a good idea to keep them apart, at least until she could speak to someone… she wanted to talk to Kageyama, to make him see what was happening, but maybe Daichi would be better or at least someone who wasn’t quite so emotionally invested as Kageyama and Hinata were.

“I know,” Hinata murmured as he stood up. “I just don’t know what to do yet.” The admission made her heart ache, but at least he was thinking about it. He wasn’t just giving up. But he was retreating – from her, as it was clear he was getting ready to go back to class, and from Kageyama and the rest of the team through his decision to miss practice, and she leant forward, this time managing to grab his arm. Waiting until he looked at her again before adding fiercely.

“If you need someone to talk to.” It wasn’t much, but she wanted to make sure that he knew that he wasn’t the only one on his side, and it seemed to help as his lips twitched.

“Thank you.” She let him go as he pulled away, watching as he disappeared back into the building before turning to look towards the gym, and this time her hands were the ones to ball into fists. She didn’t like arguments and fighting, but she couldn’t let this continue.

_Somehow, I need to fix this._


	2. Chapter 2

Kageyama scowled down at his juice, fingers clenching around the carton as though it was to blame for his bad mood. It didn’t help that it was orange, a bright, sunshine colour that inevitably drew his attention to the real source of his current mood. _That idiot. _ The fight the night before with Hinata had unsettled him more than he’d thought, and he was bad-tempered and tired after a night disturbed by dreams of tossing and there being no one there to spike it. That was an old nightmare now, a familiar one, but it had been fading as the Karasuno team had grown closer, and with the idiot who was always chasing his tosses, so it had him more on edge than he cared to admit.

Then the idiot hadn’t come to morning practice.

He’d spent the entire walk to school trying to work out what he was going to do about Hinata. The fight had been bad. Once he’d calmed down a bit, he knew that they had both overreacted. However, he still didn’t think that he was wrong, or that Hinata wasn’t focusing on the wrong thing, they’d just gone about discussing it in the wrong way. His fingers twitched, remembering how they’d grappled the smaller teen, determined to get his point across, to force Hinata to see that what he was saying was right, and yet it hadn’t mattered how hard he’d pushed, Hinata had matched him step for step. Just as he did on the court.

Which was had made the fact that Hinata hadn’t turned up to practice even more unsettling than it had already been, because Hinata was always ready to practice. For all his shortcomings and inexperience, he made up for it in determination and dedication, to the point where Kageyama sometimes felt exhausted, just trying to keep up with him. So, why hadn’t he come to the practice? There was no way he would give up at this point. In fact, Kageyama had been bracing himself for a second round of the argument, not entirely sure that he would be able to match Hinata now that he’d calmed down. So, to have nothing come of it had been…confusing and irritating, and to add to that it’d meant that he’d had to face Daichi’s lecture alone after the Captain had been informed about their fight from the night before, which wasn’t something he wanted to experience again.

He’d tried to tell himself that maybe Hinata was just ill. After all, it happened, and they’d all been under a lot of stress recently, and he hadn’t seen him that morning even after practice, and as frustrating as it was, he could understand that.

Until a few minutes ago, when he’d glimpsed Hinata talking to Yachi. He’d nearly gone storming up to him there and then, worry and frustration, and a lingering need to reach out and make Hinata agree with what he was trying to tell him, making him take a step forward before he’d finally made sense of what he was seeing.

_ Hinata was rising to his feet, not his usual effortless bounce but slow and unsteady like there was a weight on his shoulders, and Kageyama hesitated. He couldn’t make out what they were saying from where he was stood, but it didn’t seem to be an easy conversation because Yachi had lunged forward to grab Hinata’s arm, as though he had been about to flee. And maybe he had been, because it wasn’t their usual bubbly, overly energetic and overwhelming interaction._

_ Instead, it was quieter and more intense, and then Hinata was pulling away – and Kageyama’s breath caught as he glimpsed the other boy’s face, unable to put a name to the emotions playing across Hinata’s face but feeling uneasy at the sight of it. However, it was Yachi’s reaction that stopped him from giving chase, because she was watching Hinata walk away with a worried expression, her hands balled into fists at her side, as though she was fighting giving chase._

Kageyama grumbled under his breath, still torn over whether he should have chased after the idiot and the feeling that he might have made things worse if he had. Still, they couldn’t leave things as they were, and he sucked viciously on the straw, finishing the juice before finally crumpling the carton and tossing it into the trash with more force than necessary. He had backed down earlier, he wouldn’t make that mistake again, because they had to fix things – they didn’t have time for this, not if they were moving forward, and he was resolved as he turned and headed towards his next class.

_I need to make him understand that…_

****

Yachi had been even more distracted through her afternoon classes, especially the final class of the day which she shared with Hinata, as she found herself unable to tear her gaze away from him. He seemed a little more collected than he had when she’d spoke to him at lunchtime, head bowed as he worked with a focus that she had never seen from him before, even back when he’d been cramming with her to make sure that he didn’t miss the training camp. It wasn’t that which bothered her, it was the motivation behind that focus that had her gnawing on the end of her pen, the teacher’s words going straight over her head because she had a feeling that this was another retreat on Hinata’s behalf and it scared her.

She was still no closer to knowing how she was going to fix this, and yet she was more determined than ever that she needed to do something. She might only be townsperson B, but right now, she seemed to be seeing things a lot more clearly than Hinata and Kageyama, and that had to count for something. _I hope, _she thought, blinking as she realised that Hinata’s attention had wavered finally and that he was glancing out of the window, and she lifted herself slightly in her seat trying to see what had caught his attention.

_Oh._

Just visible between their building and the next was the gym, and she sucked in a breath, hoping and praying that she would see some sign that he was going to relent. _You belong there,_ she thought at him. It had been the sight of him in the air that had first made her think that maybe she could be a part of the team, that perhaps she could be more. He belonged on the court, he belonged with the team and with Kageyama and… his shoulders were slumping, and the moment was lost as he turned away and looked at his book once more. But it was clear that his focus was broken now, his shoulders remaining hunched, a cloud over his head and Yachi sighed. _I should have known that it wasn’t going to be that easy._

The end of the class and the school day came around a lot sooner than she’d expected, and she spent the last few minutes before the bell rang debating whether she was going to leave it there for the day, and wait until she could talk to Daichi or Kiyoko about what was happening or try again. And she wasn’t aware that she’d decided until she found herself flinging everything haphazardly into her bag and darting after Hinata who had slipped out of the classroom as soon as they were dismissed.

Retreating again.

“Hinata…” Yachi rushed after him, ducking between some of their classmates, relieved when he reluctantly slowed and turned back to look at her. The relief fading a little as she got a good look at his face. He looked worse than earlier, and she almost let him go then because he looked as though the wrong word could break him at that moment. But she had to try. “Are you sure you won’t come to practice?” It came out more desperate and pleading than she’d intended.

_Please don’t walk away from this..._

“I will see you tomorrow,” he murmured, not even answering her question, which she supposed was an answer in and of itself. She couldn’t bring herself to move or say anything as he turned and disappeared down the corridor, all but running away from her, and the sinking feeling from lunchtime increased tenfold.

_This is bad…_

**

Tsukishima lifted his head from the water fountain as he caught a glimpse of distinctive ginger out of the corner of his eye, bracing himself for either an impact or a deafening shout in his ear. Blinking when neither came, a furrow appearing between his eyes as Hinata hurtled past…in the wrong direction. He was heading directly away from the stairs that lead down to the doors out to the gym, and he’d looked as though he was fleeing something, no sign of his usual irritating grin to be seen and Tsukishima found himself being more disturbed by that than he cared to admit.

They’d all heard about the altercation between Hinata and Kageyama the night before, and as much as he’d tried to dismiss it as just another side-effect of their crushing defeat, and the frustration that had followed in its wake, especially with the recent training camp. Although that had been called into question when Hinata hadn’t appeared at practice that morning, and now he found himself debating whether to go after the shorter teen or not. It wasn’t his business, not really, and besides, he couldn’t imagine Hinata missing another practice. He had probably forgotten something or was trying to avoid bumping into Kageyama, which was going to make practice very interesting, in the most annoying way possible.

Somehow it wasn’t as convincing as he wanted it to be, and he found himself still debating it when Yamaguchi joined him a couple of minutes later. “Tsuki, you waited!” Tsukishima clicked his tongue, wondering how the other boy could still sound surprised by that fact when he always waited for him but didn’t reply, still staring down the corridor. “Tsuki?”

“Let’s go, or we’re going to be late,” he said, finally turning away, ignoring the questioning look on his friend’s face.

**

Tsukishima was in the middle of his warmup, trying to pretend that he wasn’t waiting for the noise that usually announced Hinata’s arrival, when he heard Daichi’s voice ring out, glancing up as he realised what the older boy was saying.

“Yachi, isn’t Hinata with you?” It sounded like the somewhat irritated tone of a Captain with a wayward teammate, but Tsukishima could hear the surprise, and the worry in those words, biting his tongue as he realised that he felt the same. Turning so that he could look across at Yachi who had clearly just stepped into the gym and looked as though she wanted nothing more than to dive for cover behind Kiyoko as everyone turned to look at her.

“N-no,” she stammered, fingers twisting in the material of her t-shirt as she glanced around, eyes seeming to linger just a little longer on Kageyama and Tsukishima could have sworn that he saw a flash of anger before she coloured and looked down. He could practically see the lie building itself, and he straightened. _Just what is going on?_ He didn’t like it, and he didn’t like the fact that he was worried about it. “I…he asked me to let you know that he wasn’t feeling very well, and to pass on his apologies…” Not entirely a lie then, Tsukishima though, because now that he thought about it, Hinata had looked a bit off when he had dashed past, and not just because he hadn’t been grinning, and yet hat didn’t explain her nervousness or the way her gaze darted back to Kageyama.

“I see,” Daichi was frowning too, although whether it was because he had also picked up on the fact that Yachi’s response was off, or because Hinata hadn’t come to tell him himself. _Because it would be evident, it was a lie?_ Tsukishima wondered, unable to imagine the annoying shorter boy being capable of lying, especially to Daichi’s face, and yet there was clearly more to his absence than what was being said, especially as he followed Yachi’s gaze and saw Kageyama’s jaw clenching.

“Is that why he missed practise this morning?” Kageyama asked after a moment, apparently not so willing to let it slide, and while there was a hint of concern in his expression, it was clear that his irritation was winning out. “Or is he just being a coward and avoiding me because he knows that I was right…” The words hung in the air, as clear and captivating as if he’d shouted them, and Tsukishima got the feeling from the way Kageyama’s eyes widened that he hadn’t meant to say that aloud, or at least not with those particular words.

“Kageyama…” Sugawara scolded with a disapproving frown at the first year, that was echoed by Daichi’s own darker glare, but whatever else he might have been about to say was cut off by an unexpected voice rising angrily.

“How dare you?!” Up until that moment, every single boy on the team would have said that there was no way they could ever fear the girl. That was until they watched her break away from the protective shelter of Kiyoko’s taller figure, and march toward Kageyama, eyes blazing. She was much shorter than him, and it should have looked ridiculous when she stopped in front of him, glaring up at him, but there was something about her expression that prevented anyone from making a single noise let alone thinking about laughing. Kageyama’s expression, on the other hand, had Tsukishima’s lips twitching, because he was blinking at her, frozen in place by her glare and looking for all the world like someone who had been caught with their fingers in the cookie jar. “Don’t you dare stand there with that expression on your face or call Hinata a coward.”

“Yachi-san, what…?” In the end, it was Yamaguchi who spoke up in the awkward silence that had settled over the gym, voice cautious as he took a step forward.

“Ask him,” Yachi said after a moment, pointing at Kageyama, and although her voice was softer, the anger was still evident before she turned away. “I’m s-sorry…” Suddenly, it seemed to dawn on her what she had done, flushing red as she bowed to Daichi and then looked to Kiyoko. “I…can I talk to you both?” Now she sounded more like herself, shrinking back into her skin and uncertain, and some of the tension bled away, as the two third years shared a look and nodded. Kiyoko moving to wrap an arm around the younger girl and guiding her off to the side, while Daichi barked at the rest of them to keep warming up until Ukai arrived.

Tsukishima watched as the three of them went into a huddle at the side of the court, speaking in low voices, and he knew that he wasn’t the only one paying more attention to that than warming up, especially Kageyama who still looked a little shell-shocked after Yachi shouting at him. Usually, that would have amused him, if only to see the King experiencing what it was like to not rule the court, but he couldn’t seem to summon up any real enjoyment at the sight. Perhaps, it was because the tension remained. Or the fact that even before that, the atmosphere had been off without Hinata’s noise and colour.

Irritation bubbled up then, as he forced to admit to himself at least, that for all, he complained about Hinata’s noise and presence, he was missing it. And not just because the frustration and feeling of helplessness that lingered in the wake of their defeat from Aoba Johsai and the struggles at the training camp, seemed louder in his absence, and he turned away, trying to focus on the task at hand. _Hinata won’t stay away for long. He’s not like me, he loves volleyball too much,_ he told himself and for a couple of minutes it seemed to work, but then he found himself glancing across at Yachi and the others again

_Then why am I still worried?_


	3. Chapter 3

Practice without Hinata was strange.

It had been easier to ignore in the morning when they were all a little quieter than usual. Just because they were up early, didn’t mean they were fully awake at that time. Now, however, there was no way to miss it, even if Yachi and Kageyama hadn’t already drawn attention to the fact that he wasn’t there, or the conversation that had taken place just after that had seemed to go on a little too long for Yachi just to be passing on his excuses. Not that Tsukishima had been paying more attention to that, than he had been to the warmup, an unsettled feeling taking root as he saw Daichi scowling – rather than the usual exasperated frown that greeted the team’s shenanigans – and glancing towards Kageyama, before shaking his head at what the girls were saying. Whatever was being discussed it seemed as though they weren’t in agreement, and he narrowed his eyes, trying to be irritated at Hinata for throwing off the team’s balance like this, especially at such a crucial time.

The annoyance wouldn’t come.

However, before he could speak up or doing something that he would probably regret later like stepping out of line to speak up for the missing middle blocker, they were gathered around as Ukai arrived. He caught the flicker when Daichi said that Hinata was missing practice again although he had been at school, and he had a feeling that the shorter boy would be hearing something from the coach about that later – and why should that bother him? He was here, the thought of missing practice further from his thoughts than ever, and he wasn’t a volleyball idiot like Hinata. Even that thought lacked any real heat, and it was almost a relief when they stepped onto the court for a practice match.

Almost.

. Tsukishima had always thought that he would quite enjoy the quiet if Hinata wasn’t there, but although their play was a little less chaotic, it wasn’t as satisfying as he had thought that it would be. As much as the scuttling, chaotic movements, loud noise, and general chaos Hinata brought to the court – for his own team, as much as their opponents – annoyed him, he had grown used to it he realised. He still wasn’t sure that he could ever match the other’s light, or whether he even wanted to, because it was just a game, even if he was finding more satisfaction in his blocking now. But, there was something about Hinata’s overwhelming brilliance that he missed, and as much as he tried to tell himself it was because he was having to work harder without him there, moving to fill in the gaps that would usually be covered by the other’s attacks, he knew that wasn’t it.

He wasn’t the only one affected. Everyone was a little quieter than usual, a little more subdued, and it felt as though every time the ball went to Kageyama, they were all waiting for the familiar blur of motion that was Hinata coming in for the attack. In fact, it felt as though the entire gym was waiting for it, the world poised with bated breath for the light to appear and dazzle them all, and there was a perceptible sense of disappointment when the ball would instead go to one of the others. Even the cheers for the spikes were diminished, as though everything was just a little more lacking without Hinata there, even though most of the time that he was, they were fighting for that toss and the right to spike.

It was infuriating and unsettling, and he tried to bury the feeling, pushing it into the run…jump...block. A clean block, the ball completely shut out, and yet there was no satisfaction. Instead, the feelings surged up once more, when there was no deafening shout of his name in his ear, and no idiot rushing towards him as though he had just done the most fantastic block in the world. Instead, he heard Yamaguchi and a subdued Yachi cheering for him, and he looked down, clicking his tongue in frustration.

_Why do I miss it so much?_

*

It had been unsurprising when Ukai and Takeda had brought the practice to a close earlier than usual because it was clear that the team’s heart wasn’t entirely in it. For Tsukishima, it was a relief, because away from the court, Hinata’s absence wasn’t quite so overwhelming. He noticed Daichi pulling Kageyama aside as they all tidied up the gym, what little conversation there was more muted than he could ever remember it being, even the day that Nishinoya had proclaimed that he wasn’t coming back without Asahi. He didn’t let himself look towards them, trying to tell himself that it wasn’t any of his business – given the way it was affecting the entire team, he doubted even Yamaguchi would believe him if he claimed that – but that he didn’t care about some petty falling out between the weirdo duo.

There had been a time when he had been good at lying to himself, but tonight the lie fell flat even in the privacy of his own thoughts, and he was the first to head for the changing rooms. Not running away but needing to put distance between himself and the place where Hinata’s absence was looming to the point of being overwhelming.

He was half-changed by the time the first of the others arrived, and he finished dressing quietly, not hat it was noticed in the awkward silence that gripped the room for once. Kageyama joining them just as he finished, looking… strange, and frustrated, and Tsukishima felt a flare of irritation at the sight, wondering how the King got to feel how he wanted to feel about this whole situation. Muttering to Yamaguchi that he would wait for him outside, he pushed past Kageyama and headed outside.

The air was warm, but it still brought some relief, cooling his irritation as he leant on the railing and looked across to the gym, turning the problem over and over in his mind. That was how he liked to work things out, looking at it from all angles until he found the solution. It was why he liked blocking because there was a logic to it, a method that could be worked out. And it was one of the reasons that Hinata confounded him so much because there was no logic to the shorter boy, no learning to understand how his mind worked. It was like they were on two different planets, and while he didn’t usually mind having that distance with most people, it bothered him with Hinata. If only because it made his light even more overwhelming than it could bridge that space between them, and…

Movement.

Tsukishima blinked, wondering if he had imagined it, as there weren’t many people that would still be at school at this time, even with them finishing earlier than usual. His hand halfway to his glasses, when his eyes narrowed, catching a glimpse of familiar ginger hair as the figure that had caught his attention slipped around the side of the gym. He was about to call out when there was a sudden bubble of noise behind him as the door opened, and the rest of the team started to pile out, and even before Yamaguchi called his name, he had snapped his mouth shut. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt like a bad idea to tell them that Hinata was still at school, especially as he glanced at Kageyama who was trailing behind the others, looking strangely lost without his usual exuberant shadow.

Still, it niggled at him as they headed for the gates. _Why is he still here? _He had assumed that Hinata had gone home after seeing him earlier, and that would have made sense whether he was lying about being unwell or not, because what else was he going to do at school if he didn’t go to practice. Yet, he clearly hadn’t, and Tsukishima couldn’t work out why, and the gates had just come into sight when he stopped abruptly.

“Tsuki?”

“Wait for me at the gate, I forgot something.” It wasn’t a request, and he turned and hurried away before the others could ask him any more questions. Mostly, because he wasn’t sure what he was doing or why he found himself speeding up as soon as he was out of sight of the others. He just knew that he couldn’t reason this out on his own, and that bothered him more than he cared to admit.

****

Hinata knew that he shouldn’t have come to the gym, especially as he had missed practice. He didn’t want to imagine how much trouble he would be in if they realised, he had skipped it deliberately, but while it would be bad enough if he was caught by one of the older boys, or worse the coach. It was the thought of running into Kageyama that scared him the most.

_I don’t think you’re necessary for winning…_

The words hadn’t left him alone all day, and not even Yachi’s pleading for him to come to practice had been enough to block them out. That was bad enough. He didn’t want to imagine how much worse it would get if he ran into the other boy now, even as his mind promptly began to conjure up all the things that Kageyama could and probably would shout at him for missing properly. He almost bolted then, trembling just at the thought of it, and he hated it. He hated the fact that thinking of his partner - former partner, a small voice hissed maliciously in the back of his mind – scared him now. He was used to being frustrated, even angry with Kageyama, or awed and excited to be playing alongside him. This fear, this overwhelming terror that he was going to be completely tossed aside now was new, and it ran deep, and he didn’t know how to fight it.

He wasn’t even sure that he could.

“A blunt weapon doesn’t need training,” he whispered to himself, echoing the words he’d said to Yachi at lunchtime. He remembered how her eyes had widened, and how she’d tried to contradict him – but she couldn’t, not really because deep down they both knew that he wasn’t on the same level as the others. Hell, they all knew it. He’d heard it more times than he could count, from the people they were playing – friends and rivals alike – and from his own team, and whereas before he had been able to let it run off his back, like water over rock, now that same water seemed to be finding all the cracks and seeping deeper until he was drowning in it.

_I shouldn’t be here._

The feeling was stronger now, but it was no longer from the fear of being caught, but rather the rising waters in his heart, and the growing realisation that he didn’t really have a place here. Still, he couldn’t tear himself away, instead stepping forward and resting a hand on the door to the gym. It was locked up for the night – earlier than usual a distant part of his mind noted, but that didn’t matter as he wasn’t sure that he could have brought himself to step over the threshold just then. _I want to fly,_ he thought, fingers curling against the door handle, a lump rising in the back of his throat. If he closed his eyes, he could still see that moment when he had first watched the Little Giant jump, only now it was muted, and he didn’t feel the same rush of excitement as he once had. Instead, it felt like it was slipping away from him, washed away by everything else.

“What are you doing?” The sharp voice made him jump, wrenching his hand away from the door as though burned, turning around with wide eyes and a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, as he found himself staring up into narrowed golden-brown eyes.

_Tsukishima…_

**

If he was honest, Tsukishima hadn’t expected to find anything when he’d jogged back to the gym. Not sure whether he had imagined seeing Hinata, or rather expecting the shorter boy to have slipped away while everyone was distracted. So, it had been somewhat of a shock when he had rounded the side of the gym and found Hinata staring at the door as though it was the most daunting thing in the world. His first instinct had been to shout at him or say something snarky, but he wasn’t like Hinata and Kageyama, and he clamped down on that urge and instead paused to watch for a moment, frown deepening as he took in the expression on Hinata’s face.

He’d seen Hinata desperate before when none of his attacks were working. He had seen him despairing and shattered in the wake of their defeat at the hands of Aoba Johsai. In fact, he thought he’d seen every possible emotion on the other boy’s face, as Hinata wore his heart on his sleeve in a way that Tsukishima knew that he would never be able to.

Yet, he had never seen Hinata look like he did right then.

It seemed to him that Hinata was a drowning man, who lost all hope of seeing land again. There was fear, and grief and a thousand things in between, and a fragility that Tsukishima had never seen for him before, even when the other boy had been at his lowest, and it scared him.

“A blunt weapon doesn’t need training,” Hinata whispered, and for a moment Tsukishima thought that he had been spotted and the words – spoken in a strange, hollow voice that didn’t sound like Hinata at all – had the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. _What the hell is he saying? _The Hinata was moving, and not towards him, but towards the gym, stretching out a trembling hand and resting it against the door, and he realised that the words hadn’t been meant for him.

Somehow, that was even worse, and he found himself taking a step forward as he watched Hinata close his eyes, shoulders hunched as though under some terrible weight. And at that moment, it seemed to Tsukishima that something had splintered and broken in Hinata, as he watched those shoulders shake as though under the force of a sob, although Hinata hadn’t made a sound and there were no tears on his cheeks. It was enough to propel him forward, closing the distance between them in several easy steps, unnoticed by Hinata who seemed to be trapped in a world of his own.

“What are you doing?” It came out sharper than he’d intended, concern adding an edge to his voice, and he was unsurprised when Hinata whirled towards him with a startled squeak and wide eyes. He’d expected wild flailing or panicked nonsensical excuses – that was Hinata to the core – but there was a pause as they stared at one another, myriad emotions dancing across the shorter boy’s face too fast for Tsukishima to put a name to.

Then Hinata did the unexpected and bolted.


End file.
